Someone on the Loveawake forum said that she didn't think a woman should let herself go after marriage, and that she owed it to herself and her family to keep herself looking lovely. I found myself reflecting on this having a few days ago been looking at some old photos of myself on holiday in Ireland in 1987. I couldn't help noticing how much thinner I was then, and how much brighter my hair looked without any white in it. Have I let myself go? Well, I suppose so. I have never really made much of an effort with my appearance. I have never worn makeup, and gave up wearing perfume after I got married because my husband hates the smell of almost all perfumes. I've never ‘worked out’ in my life. I've never gone in much for dressing up either: I mostly live in jeans and jumpers (i.e., sweaters) or t-shirts, depending on the weather.
1. Intro
2. Accommodating preferences
Would my husband like me better if I were thinner and wore makeup and stuff? I don't know, but I don't think so. Any vague mention on my part of going on a diet usually causes him to go out and buy me something fattening. And he's never mentioned wanting me to wear makeup. He probably would prefer it if I wore sexier clothes, but so long as the underwear is okay he doesn't really mind what I've got on top, so long as he can get his hand inside it. And he's a lot fatter than he was twenty years ago too, and he has less hair, but I don't like him less, in fact I like him a lot more than I did then; I wouldn't swap him for the old thinner, hairier model at all.
3. Letting go isn't such a bad thing
Seeing my hair in those pictures freaked me out though. “Look at me!†I wailed at my husband. “My hair used to be red, and look at it now, it's practically white, I have old lady hair, I don't want old lady hair!†So I went out and bought some hair dye and now it is a rather more vivid shade of red than it ever was before. “Do you like it?†I asked him nervously. “Yes†he said, and I think he was speaking the truth, but next time I might try and find something closer to my natural shade. This is pure vanity though, it's not something he ever mentioned, and I don't think he really cares what colour my hair is. Whether we have let ourselves go, or whether time is simply letting us go, we are definitely happier now with each other than we were in our youth, so maybe letting go isn't such a bad thing.
4. Acceptance and love
The spirit of acceptance that comes through in this piece is very touching, but I am not sure that what you describe quite constitutes letting yourself go in the sense I think the yahoo group poster meant. Or at least, it seems to me that letting oneself go (which I think is a very bad idea) implies not bothering to remain attractive in the eyes of the person one loves, whereas you clearly are extremely attractive to your husband, makeup or no makeup. Letting oneself go is horrible largely because it implies a lack of caring about one's spouse's wishes and pleasure, but Louise, you attend to your husband's wishes by wearing underwear he likes, etc. Louise, if your husband wasn't interested in underwear, etc., but did like something else (lipstick, say), I am willing to bet that you would be accommodating that preference, even if you felt a bit silly doing so. You clearly care about his wishes. What constitutes letting oneself go is not necessarily putting on weight, dressing sloppily and (in the case of women) not wearing makeup; it is ceasing to care about and accommodate the other person's wishes, and in such a way that one becomes unattractive to the other person. For different individuals, this will mean different things.
5. Ceasing to care
yes, I see what you mean about 'letting go' meaning ceasing to care. it's true I do still care about pleasing my husband. And yes I probably would start wearing lipstick if he really wanted me to, though it would feel a bit weird. It occured to me that 'letting myself go' taken in another way could also mean in the sense that I have let go of certain inhibitions I had about talking to my husband about things that bothered me, and talking about what kind of relationship i wanted etc. I have 'let myself go' or released myself from a certain reserve I used to feel about talking about things that really mattered to me.
6. Entitled to Relax
While I don't think a person should morph into a badly dressed, bon bon-eating couch potato after marriage, I do think that we try very hard to make an impression beforehand, and afterwards, one is entitled to relax and let down one's hair a bit. I almost never use makeup, and I let things go in terms of dress because we didn't have a lot of money, so it hardly made sense to be a clotheshorse. I'll admit, Louise, that about a year ago I took a look at my salt and pepper hair and said, ugh, it makes me look like an old woman. So I started dying it back to its original dark brown, and got many compliments on that. Also since I'm in the workforce again for the time being I think projecting a younger image is necessary. It was my remark that set off that woman's reply about how one shouldn't let oneself go. Of course I have to wonder how long she's been married -- middle age does tend to take over. But what I originally meant to say was, people do change in appearance and even in tastes over a lifetime.
7. Acceptance goes both ways
When I read about loving husbands who love and accept and want their wives as they are, and don't expect or even want them to dress a certain way or wear makeup or high heels, etc., I am always deeply touched. There is something very special about such love. I remember meeting a couple like that once. The husband looked at his wife as though she were truly the most beautiful woman in the world. She was actually about 55 (maybe more!) and average looking. But the way he looked at her, and the way he spoke to her and about her, told me that to him, she was a goddess. I quite envied that woman! To be accepted and wanted as one is, is a wonderful thing. To be able to accept and want a person as he or she is, like that man clearly did, is a wonderful thing too. But acceptance goes both ways, and I think Louise's acceptance of her husband's desire for her to wear nice underwear is just as special as his acceptance of her as she is now. Some wives would stridently refuse to indulge their husband's penchant for nice underwear (no doubt on the grounds that their husband should jolly well accept them as they are, underwear or no underwear) but Louise doesn't. She accepts her husband as he is, underwear preferences and all. People are human beings, and we all have our little quirks and preferences, and those who can find it in their heart to accommodate another's preference even if they think it is a bit silly or unreasonable, have a spirit of acceptance and loving kindness that bodes well for their relationship.